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|Friday, January 6th, 2017|
|The public post!
Just kind of letting you all know I am still here. Working for Dyson, and enjoying it.
I do write here, but keep it private these days, maybe one day I will show you what goes on in my mind. I have found this really helpful over the years, some of you would be surprised. At least one of you should know that I am actually a big softy inside :-)
Leave me a reply if anyone reads this, its nice to know who's still there and reading. I miss reading your posts.
Hope you're all well <3
|Saturday, August 23rd, 2014|
Got a TOE on Wednesday.
They give me nice class A drugs and then pop a pipe down my throat.
Trans Oesophageal Echo - an ultrasound from the inside.
The risks include, if my memory serves: internal bleeding, death (generally everything a hospital does includes this, just to cover their butt), and most likely of the unlikely occurrences: loss of the ability to speak.
:pause for cheers to die down:
Yeah, so worried a little. I just hope the news is good, I really don't want this to be a precursor to more surgery...
|Tuesday, August 19th, 2014|
I have an interview in an hour, hoping writing will calm my nerves a little.
I don't think I interview well, I have this habit of telling the truth, a burden others don't seem to labour under. So today I will be practicing lies by omission and posture.
The job? Oh just Aldi, its a step sideways but both the hours and the pay are better, but most importantly they are a growing company, not a dying one. Which leads me to believe there will be much opportunity for advancement.
So as my favourite manager was telling me today: I am bubbly, compitent and have loads of experience. I don't think I'll use "bubbly"...
We know someone who works there and in her interview they asked her to describe herself in three words.
Hmm, I'll have a think. And go get ready.
|Wednesday, August 13th, 2014|
|So what sucks right now..?
On the bright side I'm alive and comparatively really well. On the down side my aortic valve has a leek, and not the green leafy kind. More tests to follow.
Employment in that hell hole is miserable yet no one else seems to want to even interview me, got another rejection letter today, just another in the junk box but this one kinda hurt, wasn't anything special, just another kick.
Just had a week off, which was totes amazeballs, did Pickering Traction Engine Rally, a day on the beach, Seafest, medieval day at the castle, Pickering castle, days out in Hull and had some friends up for the weekend. Prolly other stuff which I forget.
Best bit is I have another week off in September and we're going to the lake district for a few nights, hope the weather will be clement.
I had...have a plan for this year: get a job that pays actual money, move house to nice new place near nice new job, profit! It seems I am not destined for a job to match my skills, instead I must stare into the blank and empty expressions of gormless colleagues and customers.
Yeah, I said it. I dislike many of my colleagues, not because they are unpleasant, just because I find them as dull as the rest of the job. Its like a little prison of total mental confinement, boredom of body, mind and soul. My precious evening-release home with Elaine is the only thing keeping me going.
She made lasagne tonight, I feel kinda lazy for not cooking as much as I used to, it's just I get in from that place and all I want to do is immerse myself in something else, get my mind off it, and when I cook my mind lingers on the days unpleasantness in the quiet times... A tough one to explain, and it sounds like an excuse even to me. But I know it isn't because whilst I wasn't suffering through that hell-hole on a daily basis I really enjoyed cooking.
Anyhow, I need to go, I'm up in 5 hours. I don't like sleep any more, I don't recall if I said, one particular night in hospital I shall never forget and it haunts me every bed time. That and the fact that time spent sleeping is kinda wasted.
Apparently some humans have evolved the ability to go comfortably with less sleep, with 4 hours being all that is regularly required. I kinda envy them, 7 hours is best for me, tho I rarely manage more than 6, even rarer is managing to sleep 6 consecutive hours. Well, lets to try for 5.
Good night folks :-)
|Saturday, October 12th, 2013|
|I'm still here.
So, quick update: I'm on course for that bus! For those of you who dont have year long memories of my posts: thats good. Infection appears gone, Infectious Diseases at the hospital are so confident that they called off my last blood test, so I'm clear!
:fingers crossed: If I've learned anything its that nothing is certain.
Today feels hard tbh. Maybe the ghastly weather. I dunno. I'm sat home on the first day of my weekend, PJs, sofa, DVDs. Which is SO not me.
I kinda feel like the world is slipping by, there's alot I want, a job I enjoy and, maybe, maybe I could be persuaded to spend some of the money I get for said job on a family.
So I'm sat here wondering what to do about it, and you know, I think the answer is sit and watch more Haven. I've wasted alot of weekends on jobs and training, I think today I'll waste on DVDs. Admittedly not as likely to get me a job, my record shows that my lotto ticket is almost as likely to come up, and its drawn tonight ;-)
So I'm just whining. Lamenting my inability to get through an interview, my indecisive nature, my lazy attitude to searching for more work etc.
Yeah, just not good today.
|Tuesday, November 27th, 2012|
|lol Just where to start!
Well since I last posted I've nearly died at least twice, had three open heart surgeries and I'm still not guaranteed to live.
Good huh? And you thought your year sucked?
February 6th, my damn birthday I go into A&E... To cut a long story short I woke up 10 days later. Which was a mini miracle.
That was my chances of surviving. Not including operations, two of those at 80%, and one simpler. Now I suck at maths but I recon I'm a lucky sod to still be here.
I've had Endocarditis, which in simplest terms is like meningitis that attacks the heart not the brain. Fortunately people can repair the heart, or I'd be well dead.
On the other hand I'm not in any of the risk groups for Endocarditis, so I was really unlucky to get it. :sigh:
I'm in an odd mood tonight, feel sorry for myself, be fatalistic type mood, I used to get them but just kinda convinced myself I was being silly, can't do that now...
I just want to live.
Nicely taken for granted by everyone, living to see 31 would be nice, living to see 41 would be awesome and so on...
Had my infectious diseases department checkup today, they have some blood and such. Will know by the end of the week if I'm going to live a little longer, then back again in feb for tests again and so on. Dr says if I live a year in the clear I'm probably set to see seventy or run-away bus, whichever happens first.
They've never actually found the bug that's doing this to me, which is an odd thing, but best guess is its a really nasty hidey bug that sits and slowly becomes lethal and is hard to kill. Nice. I'm being ninja bacteria'd to death.
I am pretty damn grateful for the time Ive had, could just as easily have not woken up after my birthday, this way I've had some good times with my family, a luxury many aren't so lucky to have. And I hope I'm just being fatalistic, yup! But it is just hope :-/
Basically this nasty builds in my system and attacks my heart, and they are running out of bits to replace. The metal in my heart is apparently a happy growing ground for said nasty, so each time they don't kill it I have to have the valves replaced, which is an increasing 20+% chance of pegging it. Oh yeah! I tick! Like the crocodile from Peter Pan! The little metal valves go click, so I tick, listen carefully and you'll hear it :-)
I should be asleep, going Xmas shopping tomorrow with Elaine. Getting dragged to see sparkly vampires too... Best be a whole lot more smiting, and a whole lot less smooching in this one. Part 1 sucked.
It's kinda hard to motivate myself to aspire to anything lasting, although 7 months of hospital food has given me a new appreciation of cookery, I cook most days now, I'm getting to be ok at chopping and can whip up some homemade soup in about 30 mins.
I have learned pan fried chicken is nice, pasta sauces are super easy, how to make guacamole and a kickass salsa and all about Warfarin. The latter has nothing to do with cooking by the way.
Warfarin is rat poison. It's also what I have to take for the rest of my life, keeps my heart valves from throwing off bloodclots. It's a bitch to take, everyone has a different tolerance and its effected by what you eat, needs monitoring at least once a month, and in my case means every other day at the docs. I bring this up because I'm no longer allowed salads.
Yes, that's right, those leafy greens could kill me. Ha! I always figured it would be the takeaways! Nope!
Meh I'd better try to sleep... Wish me luck folks, whoever actually still reads this, I really need it. Fingers crossed for seeing February 2014, chances are if I do, I'm good for life :-D Current Mood: contemplative
|Tuesday, June 28th, 2011|
|At work update.
So I'm back here. Means I have something on my mind.
Applied for a job I would really quite like a month ago, Student Experience Manager at Scarborough Campus. Yesterday I got invited for an interview, and it's a pretty scary lineup: 30 minute written aptitude test, 15 minute oral aptitude test, 15 minute presentation on "importance of customer service in a contemporary HE environment" then a 30 minute interview right after.
Pretty intimidating, or is that just me?
So, yeah... Going to prepare Thursday... :gulp: Current Mood: Nervous
|Thursday, September 9th, 2010|
|Tum tee tum...
I like checking back from time to time, but I am sad to see most of my friends have gone silent over the years. I have met alot of friends here, people I know well enough to still recall with fondness, and its sad to have lost contact.
I'm having a nostalgia night, I've re-read old E-mails, and looked at old games I used to play, looked at old entries and seen what films I used to buy.
I like stirring up the past, feeling the memories again makes it seem more real, more worthwhile them sitting there as a vague recolection of a distant past.
Well its late, late for me: I am up from 5am every morning now. I like working earlies, but it is getting darker, pretty much pitch black now, which isnt so nice.
Elaine has been in bed for hours, she still doesnt know this journal exists, which is quite odd, but i think I'd like to keep it that way. Why? Hmm... Well I once said I wouldn't, and I put some value on my word, but more I think it is because I look at LJ as a little private corner where the world can read my life, but no one is close enough to see the fine print.
You know I re-read these entries and always think: what the hell was I blathering on about like that? But it is how I think, these entries come out almost like a stream of conciousness, and I wouldnt change it, its a freedom of sorts. A freedom you cant find elsewhere, you dont even get it in things which are largly replacing sites like this like Facebook. People there are too close, you could see them at work tomorrow.
Which reminds me, Jess got her nose pierced, I've never understood putting arbitrary holes in yourself... especially not in places that look like spots... I suppose its no siller than the habit of beauty spots, or bushels, or powdered foreheads. I can kinda understand tatooes, it can be art, a memory... but only kinda.
My personal observation on life still remains true: Nothing ever changes; nothing has, work is still a grind, friends are still a joy, and this little corner of my conciousness is still a pleasure to visit.
What would I change? I'd pass out long before I finished that post, but on a purly personal note I'd like to have the freedom to travel, I want to see shows in London, Pyramids in Eygypt, Ayres Rock in Aus, the Great Wall of China, Easter Island Heads and most importantly find places more important to me than all of them. But I fear as with all change, its a distant dream that the hum-drum keeps alive with its little differences but never resolves into true change.
Looking back now I perhaps should have gone on to do my doctorate, I know now more than ever that the nature of the struggle may change but the struggle never completely goes away, and one struggle is as good as another. And the results of that would have been worth more to me personally. Also people could call me Doctor Jones which would have made me chuckle inwardly every time with my dodgy sense of humour.
I dont regret not doing it, afterall, theres nothing stopping me just doing it now, I could start reading for it tomorrow and just not stop till I hit 20k words then apply, get in, get a professional eye on my side and begin work on it... But I think my life has moved on, it doesnt have them same value it would have had to me then. Then it was a brave step on the way to a great job, now I realise great jobs are 90% luck regardless of qualifications. People who left school 2 years before me with nothing but a deep blush are in far better jobs than me, and those that continued on from where I left off are worse... at least I consider working in a fish and chip shop worse, they may enjoy it. And thats the key: if it pays the bills and I enjoy it I'm happy. But thats probably the most elusive job of all, the one you enjoy. Can a 'job' a 'task', some 'work' even be enjoyable? Theres always more for me to learn... Nothing changes...
I've more or less given up on my study of people, I am dissapointed with what I have seen. Growing up and learning amongst intelligent people biased my view of the world I think. I now realise that 75%+ of the world is irrevicably stupid, and will never be anything greater no matter how anyone might try. Cynical? Moi? Only if you're an optomist I think.
So what did I learn? That the boxes or cliques we form in school last throughout our lives and that even twenty years later I can still fit people neatly into the same categories I finalised 10 years ago. That pretty people are ugly. That adversity breeds the best of people but only somewhere deep down inside where it cant show. That lying isnt just a word or a transgression: its a way of life that you can apply to every second sentance you hear, and that its the only way people will like you. Think not? You're lying. Next time you think that about someone, say it how you thought it it, not how it 'should' be said. I found out that 90% of lying isn't in the words you say but how you say them. I learnt how to manipulate people, and how much I don't like it, seeing in me the qualities that in others make me shudder, and then disparing as other people :like it:! 75%+ of people are gullable fools too, ever wondered why you dont get on with people? Its because what seems condescending or arogant, ignorant or rude to you, because you have 2 braincells to rub together, is accepted and even applauded by the ignorant masses, and you simply dont realise just how hopelessly ignorant the person is and try to treat them as you would like to be!
In short, I didnt like what I learned.
Life, the universe and everything:
Let it rock on! Humanity is small and young, so young. The ignorant masses triumph through mindless overbreeding and peer pressure cripples the clever, the popularity contest is considered the best form of rulership: If only because there are more stupid masses to vote in those who will reward their stupidity further.
Looks grim, but the ability for the pack animal that is man to band together in times of great need may see us through, if it doesnt kick in too late to actually do anything.
Well, conciousness has almost slipped away, I've been writing for an hour and I cant be bothered to read it back even. Its what I thought at the time. Enjoy... or not, its for me :-)
'Till next time.
Take care. Current Mood: sleepy
|Tuesday, August 25th, 2009|
Yeah, I'm still here, I just dont post much :-)
Bought a playstation 3, and a big TV. Um... I have a remote control helicopter... and an iphone. I've been to South Africa, climbed a mountain, seen lions and zebras and stuff. Oh and a snake, which could well have killed me, as we climbed the mountain.
See you all soon, take care.
-S- Current Mood: happy
|Thursday, April 9th, 2009|
I'm pretty pissed off tbh, it's lack of drive this time. You see I wouldn't mind if they were consistent, if with each review they had the same thing to say I could do something about it, but it's managing change, then dealing with resistance, now it's a lack of drive. Every review it's another complaint, a different complaint. :sigh:
Been long since life has held enough suck for me to write here.
|Saturday, September 20th, 2008|
|I think it's almost a full year, if not more...
...since I last posted.
Yus, I am still here, a fully quallified Duty Manager, a Master of Arts, and pretty darn happy tbh. Was in Hemsworth last week, it was their grand opening, and their customer service team had only 2 weeks experience and Mags, the manager, had never run a customer service desk before so I was training. A great new store and an enthusiastic team was great to work with, and I met my first ever cute Store Manager, guess theres hope for me making Store Manager yet eh? ;-)
Well that could be it for another year, hope your all happy and heathy.
Be good. Current Mood: happy
|Tuesday, July 31st, 2007|
|Drama on a checkout...
This post has absolutly nothing to do with a checkout.
Should be finding out soon if I made it onto the management course. Really hope I do, will set me for life if I choose to stay, and looks good on my CV if I choose to leave, win win. Still nothing concrete from Elaine. *sigh* I don't understand, and that always bugs me more than anything. If she ever does get her I must remember to never give her anything urgent to do...
Last couple of days have been a hoot. Saturday went out with the gang from work, had a totally stella night in Rileys, a lot of drink, alot of snooker, a bit of pool. Kat kept her hands to herself, which is frankly remarkable. Played choons long into the night and got locked in with Sizzy and Dean who where on that night, a good thing really as they are getting to be the only origional staff who are still there, just Jess and Kelly, and tbh Sizzy is new... And works in heels... bizzare...
Sunday my parents came up, and we watched The Prestige, an ok film about some magicians. Seemed a little limited, so many good ideas put to so little use. Then went around to Craig and Amy's for their birthday party; thier birthdays are day after one another so they have a joint party. House full of people, a well good night, I still have the bite marks to proove it ;-)
Anyhoo, I'm turning in.
Be good folks.
|Saturday, July 14th, 2007|
|I can be so fucking stupid...
Often I depair at the stupidity of others. Very rarely I despair at my own.
Why turn down a good thing because of paranoia, because of principle? Lack of patience? Laziness? Fear?
I don't know myself sometimes, which is kinda good, but doesn't stop me from wanting to slap myself around the head with heavy things.
This is one of those post's that I either look back and laugh at, or look back and cry at. Because for beter, or more likly worse, its done.
|Saturday, May 26th, 2007|
Can't sleep post.
Its not very often I can't sleep, it's more a not wanting to sleep despite the tiredness gnawing at the back of my eyeballs.
Friday was an interesting day, chased and caught shoplifters across Scarborough, radios, police the whole shizzle. Took four police to get one of them, bound hand and foot, into the van. Me and Rob the security guy on duty that night cornered them at the top of a hill leading out of the vally, my manager who was following at a safe distance flagged down a passing police car before the unit assigned to us could arrive. Good thing too tbh. Ended up with two cars and a van, 6 constables, me and Rob. I learnt running up hill hurts like a motherfucker. We caught three of the four, one got away, which pissed Rob off a tad, got CCTV of all four tho.
Last post? Oh not alot. Got told I was scary, I agreed. Maybe more on that later :-)
The sun's coming up, I'm at work tomorrow and up at 9. I figure I'm already screwed for that plan. Supposed to be going out tomorrow night also, Kat is no longer sick, and has been on nights all week so she insists she will manage to see the night out, I'm frankly sceptical, no stamina on some people ;-) I'm kinda leaving myself open for a revenge attack, but you can't win them all.
What else? Hmm... Second stage interview for the graduate training scheme on the 4th, I'd like to get through, I really would, the training pay is good, and the guarenteed position at the end of it would set me up for life, with prospects for a 50k a year job.
End of the day tho, if it pays my bills, leaves time and money for me to enjoy myself, I don't really need anything more. Thought about it alot, decided I'd like a job without homework. Leave work at work. After 15 years of it, I've decided I don't want any more :-)
This could be a really interesting summer, I can honestly say I am looking forward to it, Elaine wants to come stay, Izaak is coming over for some time in August, Paul wants to come up also when Elaine and Izaak are over, Russ Phil could simply hijack on the way. We could possibly have like 10 of us all in the same pub getting pissed at the same time, which is one of the funniest thoughts of the year. Probably won't happen due to people's time constraints, but small groups is a certainty. Ky has practcally ordered my brother to kidnap me if I refuse to come down, although I'm not so fond of Daz so... We'll see.
I really have to go to bed. Four and a half hours sleep is probably sensible minimum of sleep. Don't really want to go tho. Sleep wastes so much time that I'll never get back.
Ah well, mammoth update there.
*stalls some more*
Bah, ok, bed.
You've been told ;-)
|Tuesday, May 1st, 2007|
OK so I'm venting what will be considered bullshyt, fine by me.
This will probably make little empathetic sense to anyone, or maybe you are someone I didnt expect to be reading this, or simply know more than I expect, anyhoo...
I'm pretty annoyed with myself, I scared the shyt out of Elaine tonight. We've known each other about two weeks and have been getting on really well, usually stay up late chatting. Tonight is the first night we haven't. We where talking about personal talents, I have none. Or at least sometimes that would be nice, for a short time. She pushed until I told her I was pretty intuetive about people... Cutting a long story short, I did something I've made myself promise over and over not to do: I basically gave her an overview of her life up till now, told her things I could not possibly have known about her: relationships with parents, how many jobs she'd had, school grades, all kinds of things which we had never spoken about. After a few minutes silence she didnt disagree with anything I'd said. Told me where I was right, clarified which parent she didn't get on with... She tried to laugh it off, but she was soon "tired".
Just because I know doesn't mean I don't like to hear people tell me :(
I make people feel vulnerable, and hence scared.
Same old lesson taught the same harsh way. Maybe one day I'll learn it.
I hate the hiding, the bullshit that is a nessisary part of benign coexistence, doesn't change their nessecity however
*shrug* What will be, will be. A cliche, but eloquent none-the-less. Better to be and hide, than to never have known at all.
I'll see tomorrow, although I already know things won't be the same. Once someone is aware they are transparent it doesnt go away, each word is second-guessed, every phrase considered for what other meaning it could give or give away. Its like a nagging pain however, once you are aware of it, it only hurts more.
Vented. And sounding weird even to me. Still doesn't change the facts, I was right on every count, and now someone who I didn't want jumpy around me will probably spend the next few days carefully scripting every word to carefully avoid giving away the exact thing that they are highlighting by doing so. Crap.
Good points: she's going away on thursday, enough distraction then and no further slips on my behalf may allow self-defence/desire forgetfulness.
Good night. Current Mood: annoyed
|Saturday, February 17th, 2007|
|Bad news comes in threes?
Good day at work, as far as that goes o'course. But I now feel shyt.
No work tomorrow but its Jenny's leaving doo at 18:30.
Now. Films in the hope of new cheer. Oh, and a piece of cake. Mmmm, cake.
|Sunday, February 4th, 2007|
|Scared of work?
Well yeah, I'm terrified. Not like that tho.
I've just been reading through the work I have done. And if I am honest with myself I can see reading through it it isnt what I could do at my best, and it scares me and annoys me that a) I havent done my best and b) the ammount of work it would take to correct that.
I could correct it, go back, condense and improve there is alot there to work with, structure is where I fall down mainly, some tautology needs removing and a hellovalotta smartening up. I could keep striving untill it is perfect but where do I draw the line? If I draw it here will I fail because of it? I'm scared and out of time.
I'd love to talk to Ann about all this but I get the distinct feeling she really doeant want to know. I dont even know when my work has to be in as that is finaly her decsision. So much uncertainty, thats something else which needs removing from my work.
I'm going to take a break now, been at it 4 hours since my last break, hopefully I will return to it all optomistic and such, as that will help. Been invited out for a drink tonight, I dont have time to go, and if I do, for reading this, perhaps I need some time out, I'll probably be kinda miserable.
So I'm in a bit of a state. I'll weather it stoically, I always do.
|Tuesday, January 30th, 2007|
Been a while since I checked in here, been busy with life, work and such. Also the kinda spammy comercialism thats slowly infecting LJ narcs me a little.
This post is a test of my connection, which is being a little dodgy today, and a quick evasion of work, although I found a really nice essay to help me out with mine, it seems so much better than mine, makes me feel a little down, but its nice to have such excellent source materiel.
OK, quick recent life flash:
Last week Paul came up and we spent ages watching series, I bought Firefly so we watched that one night, and some Hex the next, also went down to Rileys and played some pool.
Went out on Saturday after work, spent a few hours in Rosebury's, not my favorite place, but the company was good, and I didnt have to buy any drinks all night, which was better :-) After we went down to Casino, which made my night a little more expencive >.< We all staggered out as the place shut at 4am, heh was a good night, tho it would have been nice if the world wasnt so spinny... ;-)
Been playing Baldurs Gate multiplayer, thats been slow, but fun, as you can go at whatever pace you want really, so anytime we want some action we can go do some more story.
I want to have may masters finised by tomorrow night, at least in draft format, that gives me a month to brush and tidy, and hopefully see Ann. Looking hopeful too, 3rd chapter needs a preliminary brush and tidy before I will be happy with it, then just an overall conclusion to write and away it goes. Which is an encouraging thought.
Hope everyones good.
|Sunday, October 1st, 2006|
|So much to say...
...so little motivation to say it.
So I'm in after a night out, and pretty annoyed really. I get out after work, go to meet Craig, Amy and Sarah, the a couple of hours and a couple of drinks later they want to go home. So that was it, the night was just starting and off they pop.
So, good night? Not really, what there was of it was ok.
Jess has done her hair nice.
Craig and Amy really need some time apart to stop bickering.
And I need to go to bed, prolly D&D tomorrow, but I have no idea of the details. I have two bars of chocolate and no good reason to eat them, so some D&D would be good. I prefare the mince which I have to cook tomorrow, not sure what I am gonna do with it yet, I have tomatoes and peppers so prolly gonna pan fry it with them and see what I get. Throw in some mushrooms add some pasta and some sort of spaggy bolly production should occur.
Work was ok this week, Julie is on holiday and we all wish she could have more of them.
The harem is wierd atm, too many sixteen year olds. They are just young and freeky, I cant help but think "just f**king grow up" every time I look at them, so not really enjoying that. Jane is still pissed at me after I had to tell her what to to do whilst running, but thats my job so I can't really do much about that.
Katie also did her hair nice, perhaps I should go get mine done, everyone else seems to be.
Paul is procrastinating about coming up again, used to bother me, but doesnt really any more. When I counted on him as reliable, it did, but since he has proved that certain items of chocolate furnature are more reliable, its stopped bothering me, its just the change that causes me problems.
Never do too well with change. Shame really, I am really quite adventurous at heart.
Well enough for now, I should to bed.
Shame about this evening, shame about alot of things.
hence the lack of updates, far, far too depressing :-)
Good night folks. Current Mood: contemplative
|Friday, August 25th, 2006|
One of my friends just earned themselves a frist strike.
That hasn't happend in a while :/
And hello neglected Journal people :-)
All is as it should be.