I'm having a nostalgia night, I've re-read old E-mails, and looked at old games I used to play, looked at old entries and seen what films I used to buy.
I like stirring up the past, feeling the memories again makes it seem more real, more worthwhile them sitting there as a vague recolection of a distant past.
Well its late, late for me: I am up from 5am every morning now. I like working earlies, but it is getting darker, pretty much pitch black now, which isnt so nice.
Elaine has been in bed for hours, she still doesnt know this journal exists, which is quite odd, but i think I'd like to keep it that way. Why? Hmm... Well I once said I wouldn't, and I put some value on my word, but more I think it is because I look at LJ as a little private corner where the world can read my life, but no one is close enough to see the fine print.
You know I re-read these entries and always think: what the hell was I blathering on about like that? But it is how I think, these entries come out almost like a stream of conciousness, and I wouldnt change it, its a freedom of sorts. A freedom you cant find elsewhere, you dont even get it in things which are largly replacing sites like this like Facebook. People there are too close, you could see them at work tomorrow.
Which reminds me, Jess got her nose pierced, I've never understood putting arbitrary holes in yourself... especially not in places that look like spots... I suppose its no siller than the habit of beauty spots, or bushels, or powdered foreheads. I can kinda understand tatooes, it can be art, a memory... but only kinda.
My personal observation on life still remains true: Nothing ever changes; nothing has, work is still a grind, friends are still a joy, and this little corner of my conciousness is still a pleasure to visit.
What would I change? I'd pass out long before I finished that post, but on a purly personal note I'd like to have the freedom to travel, I want to see shows in London, Pyramids in Eygypt, Ayres Rock in Aus, the Great Wall of China, Easter Island Heads and most importantly find places more important to me than all of them. But I fear as with all change, its a distant dream that the hum-drum keeps alive with its little differences but never resolves into true change.
Looking back now I perhaps should have gone on to do my doctorate, I know now more than ever that the nature of the struggle may change but the struggle never completely goes away, and one struggle is as good as another. And the results of that would have been worth more to me personally. Also people could call me Doctor Jones which would have made me chuckle inwardly every time with my dodgy sense of humour.
I dont regret not doing it, afterall, theres nothing stopping me just doing it now, I could start reading for it tomorrow and just not stop till I hit 20k words then apply, get in, get a professional eye on my side and begin work on it... But I think my life has moved on, it doesnt have them same value it would have had to me then. Then it was a brave step on the way to a great job, now I realise great jobs are 90% luck regardless of qualifications. People who left school 2 years before me with nothing but a deep blush are in far better jobs than me, and those that continued on from where I left off are worse... at least I consider working in a fish and chip shop worse, they may enjoy it. And thats the key: if it pays the bills and I enjoy it I'm happy. But thats probably the most elusive job of all, the one you enjoy. Can a 'job' a 'task', some 'work' even be enjoyable? Theres always more for me to learn... Nothing changes...
I've more or less given up on my study of people, I am dissapointed with what I have seen. Growing up and learning amongst intelligent people biased my view of the world I think. I now realise that 75%+ of the world is irrevicably stupid, and will never be anything greater no matter how anyone might try. Cynical? Moi? Only if you're an optomist I think.
So what did I learn? That the boxes or cliques we form in school last throughout our lives and that even twenty years later I can still fit people neatly into the same categories I finalised 10 years ago. That pretty people are ugly. That adversity breeds the best of people but only somewhere deep down inside where it cant show. That lying isnt just a word or a transgression: its a way of life that you can apply to every second sentance you hear, and that its the only way people will like you. Think not? You're lying. Next time you think that about someone, say it how you thought it it, not how it 'should' be said. I found out that 90% of lying isn't in the words you say but how you say them. I learnt how to manipulate people, and how much I don't like it, seeing in me the qualities that in others make me shudder, and then disparing as other people :like it:! 75%+ of people are gullable fools too, ever wondered why you dont get on with people? Its because what seems condescending or arogant, ignorant or rude to you, because you have 2 braincells to rub together, is accepted and even applauded by the ignorant masses, and you simply dont realise just how hopelessly ignorant the person is and try to treat them as you would like to be!
In short, I didnt like what I learned.
Life, the universe and everything:
Let it rock on! Humanity is small and young, so young. The ignorant masses triumph through mindless overbreeding and peer pressure cripples the clever, the popularity contest is considered the best form of rulership: If only because there are more stupid masses to vote in those who will reward their stupidity further.
Looks grim, but the ability for the pack animal that is man to band together in times of great need may see us through, if it doesnt kick in too late to actually do anything.
Well, conciousness has almost slipped away, I've been writing for an hour and I cant be bothered to read it back even. Its what I thought at the time. Enjoy... or not, its for me :-)
'Till next time.